sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
where am i from again
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
