I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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