this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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