she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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