I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
fuck your aforementioned shoe
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
