She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
