I will die if light touches me.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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