sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Randomize
