i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
