I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
