Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
