And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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