how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
