I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
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