the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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