i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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