Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
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