moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Randomize
