so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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