I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
