Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
