Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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