Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I want to fling myself into the sun
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
