Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I think your dad took our porno
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
