then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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