I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
