and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
