he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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