is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
