Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
