dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
