Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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