Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
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