We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
