remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Randomize
