I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
29 Of The Most Hilarious And Embarrassing Walks Of Shame Ever
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
These 23 Dudes Get Giddy From Dem Titties
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"