I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once