I could make wine with my vomit
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.