Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
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She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
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I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.