Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.