For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
