ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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