so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
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I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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