My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
