I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
