Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
