Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
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