That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
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Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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