dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
