fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
