I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
