if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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