Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
