Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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