He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
