I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
