You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
