Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
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I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
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the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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