I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
