Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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