you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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