i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
