Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
