why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
